Punishment

This two week quarantine will be quite a test of my relationship. Over time, we have both started doing our own things while we are not together and eating and watching certain tv/movies while we are together. Now, we will be together all the time and he doesn’t think that we will end up going off and doing our own things.

I’ve been down about how he can’t see his kids, not because I want my free time during that time, but because I know that he is sad about it. My patience with her is down to zero, into the negatives now. I’ve had to ask him to stop involving me so much and to rely instead on his parents and his lawyer for advice. How difficult she is making this is punishment enough for him leaving her for me. She is providing the ultimate test of our relationship but in the end, we will emerge stronger than before with bridges burned.

Self-Discovery

According to an anonymous therapist an Atlanta that I heard someone call in and describe on the Forever35 podcast about self care, there are five types of self-love : self discovery, self image, self esteem, self identity, and self improvement. I always thought I had pretty high self esteem, but now I think that really, I’ve have good self identity and decent self image. I like these terms better because “esteem” means that you put yourself to a high “esteem” and I don’t feel like I think I’m better than someone else. I like to be myself and I have no idea of being a different person is better or worse or exactly the same.

Self image is how you see yourself or how you think you physically look to the world. I think I look alright, I have nothing to complain about really. I do put daily effort into maintaining my weight, wearing cute outfits, and trying to improve my look with makeup. Self improvement is more mental, in my opinion. Sure, you can make better fashion choices, for example, but the self improvement aspect of it would be learning about what’s in style and what would be flattering on my body. Self improvement is the learning part and it starts with recognizing something that can improve. And it’s a never ending process. As is self discovery. You learn more about yourself every time you are in a new scenario or surrounded by different people. There are things about yourself you may never learn!

A recent development in my life has been my self discovery of my sexuality. Sexuality is strange because in society, you only learn what you are expected to be attracted to. It is only in self discovery that there could be differences. My self identity has been bisexual since I was probably about 15 when I met the first girl I was attracted to. I was boi crazy as well and didn’t want to confuse the situation by “coming out of the closet” when I wanted to focus on whatever boy I was trying to kiss at the time. Then life went on and I dated a bunch of dudes and the man I thought I would be with forever vaguely understood that I was bisexual, and when I asked him if I could make out with girls, he said “I’d rather you didn’t” and so, I didn’t really explore my sexuality much more after that. I appreciated that he understood that, for me, kissing a girl is the same as kissing a guy and he still considered it “cheating”, but I was disappointed I wouldn’t be able to explore my queerness. He didn’t really want to talk about it, didn’t even want to have a three some with another girl because he thought it would be weird, and we ended up breaking up for additional reasons anyway. At that time, I decided to slowly “come out” as bi. More on this

Justify

I feel I often have to justify why I didn’t finish my Master’s degree. People talk about it like I should “just finish it” as if I’m just being stubborn for no reason and it’s not that difficult. I have many reasons why I’ve stopped working on it.

1) I don’t know what my life will be like in the next year. I’ve taken a lover who has children and wants me to move into his house with him. I might do that, but I am still not sure. What I don’t want to do is be taking any courses, working on a dissertation, or studying for an impossible test if I end up playing step-mom. Even now, he needs a lot of attention. And yes, he says he would support me when I decide to do it, but I know that will be short-lived when he literally never sees me and when he does, I’m all stressed out all the time.

2) I would have to work on it at work at my current job. And I like my job. And I want to keep it. My work ethic and performance would tank if I’m stressed out or working on the program while at work.

3) I would be paying more than I already am, possibly for nothing. It costs money, about $2k a course. I would likely transfer my credits and that may cost even more. I don’t really have that money to throw around. Especially to take a course(s) that I could have to retake (sometimes more than once). Leaving me with no time or money for things that actually make me happy.

4) I began the program with no real intention of completing it. I started it because I needed 12 graduate credits in my field. After 12, I went for 15 to get a raise at my teaching job. At that point, I enjoyed the program and decided to go for the second raise at 30 credits. Even with those raises, I still make more money at my new job anyway. Who knows, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my new job if I didn’t have the Master’s nearly completed.

5) My university has been so unhelpful. Other science fields changed their final exam so that it is actually possible for a working person, who isn’t a genius with a photographic memory, to pass. My field won’t even consider it. They want you to know that you’re not good enough to be a chemist. And I’m not playing that game anymore. My advisor has been rude to me, refused to meet with me, and made me wait an additional few months for a study course that never happened. At that point, it won’t be very simple to review all the material I would need to know and on top of that, there’s no one to assure me that my work is even correct. That was another problem I ran into during my exam prep the first time.

So no, it isn’t helpful when you say things like, “you’re so smart, you will pass this time” or “You can do it!” You have no idea. Every time someone brings it up, it hurts a little more that people have this ridiculous expectation of me and are disappointed that I won’t “just do it”. So yeah, it’s become a sore topic for me.

Espresso

When I work overnights, I have to “change” my sleeping schedule from days (7am-7pm) to nights (7pm-7am) during my three and a half days off. This week has been rough. I’ve had a cold, which is really just congestion and a cough, and I just felt so fatigued and horrible at work – not to mention disgusting coughing everywhere. I mean, I don’t cough everywhere, but maybe it’s a Me problem. I hate when people around me are coughing and I feel they should stay home with their uncontrollable impulse to spew germs at everyone and everything. When I went to the doctor, which I needed to to get my excused absences from work, the doctor basically told me I’m not that sick and I should be good to go to work. I felt like I had to almost beg her to get a doctor’s note for two nights.. well, she isn’t my doctor. She is a nurse practitioner. My doctor is positive and focuses on how I really feel. She treated me like I’m some lying scammer just there to waste her time with my pathetic cough. I left there confused and annoyed, like why would she just make me feel stupid? I have my quick thoughts about why – the sad probable answer to these types of situations – smart, overworked women hate other women that are attractive and look for any reason to be superior in some way. To her, she saw me and judged me as a “not that sick” crying baby who is lazy and wanted time off of work. It happened when I was teaching. Other women just instantly annoyed with me no matter what I said. But really, that’s a Them problem. They work too much, they are blinded by stress, and never came to terms with their own self-esteem levels. I’ve been overworked and, as a result, not my best self, but I’ve never had issues with my confidence or self- esteem. It’s the combination of the two that pit women against each other. It is always frustrating to be disliked and treated poorly by other women because I am a child-less, confident, and carefree person but hey, I’ve chosen my life to be that way. I’ve chosen to ensure my Me time by not having children, by (eventually) not overworking myself, and to put some effort into my appearance by exercising, buying flattering clothing, and following some beauty regiments. I understand that had I had children to worry about, I might not have had time for these things, or money. But I don’t apologize for it! So often people try and normalize you into getting married & having children by asking their little questions and giving their little unsolicited advice. They do it to give themselves some comfort such as “this is what I did, so this is the natural progression for you too, and I made the right choices and you will too.” These assumptions people make cause me to consider that life, and seeing how unhappy these people are, mentally run away screaming!

I had to stay up late tonight. After my 3 hour nap, my bf and I went to the movies and I got a almond milk latte to keep me up. I don’t normally drink espresso drinks so now it is 3:30am and I am jittery and wired and thinking about every shitty thing that pops in my head… which tells me, it’s time to write.

My bf’s ex’s sister sent me some message calling me a homewrecker a couple weeks ago. I decided to google it to see what kinds of resources are out there for homewreckers like me and I think the only people who use that word are scorned, close-minded women such as my bf’s ex. It’s been over a year and she’s still hung on this. From what I hear, their relationship wasn’t very happy. It sounded convenient – convenient for her that she had a guy she can boss around, give her children, and pay for everything for them all. She is spending thousands of dollars on lawyers to keep the kids from seeing their father and for what? The good of the kids? No. For her own vengeance. On me. On him. Still she is mentioning that she knew we were going on while they were together and all her little suspicions about the beginning of our relationship. It’s killing her. She needs to know dates of everything – when we met, when we first hung out, when we first had sex – these are dates I don’t even remember anymore. And now, she doesn’t deserve to know. The one nice thing my bf used to say about her was that she is an amazing mother. That’s what everyone said about her. Not anymore. Now that she is lying about him to the court and keeping him from seeing or talking to his children, she isn’t a good mother anymore. She is spending the money she has that should be going to providing for them for keeping them from their father, which is ultimately destructive for the children.

I don’t feel like a homewrecker for supposedly being the reason why their relationship died. I was told it’s been dead for years. It was one of those relationships that they thought they could fix by having kids. Not sure how that logic works, but it’s pretty common. I feel like a homewrecker for ruining her life, for giving her something to pit all her anger toward, for making her lose sight of what’s important for her kids, for changing an amazing mother into a scorned one. My only regret is the effect it had on her. I had no idea how dependent she really was. I had no idea that she wouldn’t be able to move on with her life. I had no idea she was such a mean person. I don’t feel like I can possibly give myself that much credit to say I “ruined her life”. She’s really going to let me ruin her life? I can’t accept that. I’m sure it’s nice and convenient to have someone to blame and, now I know, she likes convenience. I assumed she would hate me forever. It’s fine. Most women do just out of insecurity anyway. But to let it ruin her life? To try and make me feel so much shame for following my heart? And saving a man from what seemed to be a toxic, codependent relationship with such a mean woman? Hell no. I feel no shame for that. All I can do is hope that she can get her life together and forget about us. Maybe she can meet a new man to support her if she doesn’t want to work. Maybe she can realize that the anger she is harboring isn’t serving her. I only hope she can move on and be happy. Hell, she should move on and be happier than she ever was. She should be happy and she deserves to be. And her former relationship with my bf wasn’t going to give her that happiness because he wasn’t happy. She needs a relationship where both of them are happy.

Am I happy in this relationship?

Age discrimination

Hi! I’m 28 years old. I was told this summer that “I look 15” & therefore, my comments do not apply! Yes, this has been my life. This has been the way that I have been treated by people older than me MY ENTIRE LIFE. I am almost thirty now and I am still made to feel this way by women older than me.

I was treated this way as a child. To the point that I said almost nothing at all because I was taught by adults’ reactions to me that my opinions are unimportant. It was not until third grade that an adult made me feel smart & important. I had a third grade teacher that gave me praise for my work and school has been my favorite place ever since. Finally there were adults that cared about what I had to say, even if it was just me having figured out the answer to a math problem and had the opportunity to answer it correctly in front of the class.

All of my close friends look like me- my age, cute, somewhat fit, skilled at fashion/makeup, most of us are pretty short too. We find each other because we are all we have! We are also similar in that we are all motivated, successful, and educated. I find that we end up NOT being friends with people who show any kind of jealousy. With jealousy, there is insecurity. Insecure women are threatened by women like us. Confident, pretty, and successful in our careers. They find any opportunity to make us feel less than. It is highly disappointing when it comes from someone you respect, because now you can no longer respect them.

The woman who decided to tell me that I look like I’m fifteen, was an old friend’s mom’s good friend- or someone that I grew up knowing, someone I’ve respected my whole life. She has always treated me well and I really liked her. But now, we find ourselves in a conversation about diets and Lasik surgery and my input about trying the keto diet for Lent was taken badly. Diets are not for someone like me, how dare I enter that conversation, how dare I have an interest in foods and nutrition and the biochemical process of metabolism when I look like I’m fifteen. All of the jealousy, all of the insecurity, all of the comparing of choices that I made to yours are all echoing around your dismissive comment of “well, you look like you’re fifteen”. And that’s the form that discrimination takes when you’re a successful, childless, attractive woman. You don’t get to live freely. You have to live knowing that you are hated by most of the women that surround you. And they want you to know it, too.

It happened again the other night. I was out with friends who are in their thirties, a few years older than me. After the woman next to me made some comments about how smart watches are stupid and pointless (after I talked about some good deals I found and that I was going to buy myself one for early Christmas), the group was discussing whether or not they liked day drinking. The guys seemed to like it and I disagreed and said that it makes me feel tired. The woman who hates smart watches, about five years older than me, decides to chime in with a “it gets worse. If you think it’s bad now, wait until your my age” and I said, “ok, I said that I don’t like it now…” slightly annoyed with her negativity directed at me and only me, and not at all directed at the men, who are older than both of us, and do like it. She said, “sorry, but it gets worse. I’m just saying” Shocked because I didn’t expect those jealousy/insecurity comments to come from a beautiful thirty-something woman who I considered a friend, I made a face that showed my discomfort in the comment and said something like, “yay… so excited for my life now…” and my opinion of her from “someone who had their life together, a successful job, a beautiful family, a possibly good friend” shifted completely into “another addition to my list of frenemies” (women I have to pretend to be friends with that have made clear negative comments about how clueless I am and how I am so young and naive. People who use me to make themselves feel wise and superior in comparison).

So this is the price I have to pay for being the way that I look and the age that I am. Here were a couple recent examples, but it’s much more common than you’d think. My years teaching were the worst. The comments were aggressive and gut-wrenching. I was diagnosed with situational anxiety because of them. And yes, it’s probably why pretty girls are mean.

Miss Rambly

Hello, it’s been a while! I went out with an old friend the other day and I just felt… rambly! Not only did I feel like I was rambling and not making sense to her, but I was annoyed with myself! Maybe it’s that I was excited to be out with a girlfriend one-on-one after I hadn’t in quite a while and we had so much to possibly discuss, so much to catch her up on, but I couldn’t help thinking “damn, do I know how to have a normal conversation anymore?” At that point, I started just asking her questions about herself. It’s hard for me to keep track of if I am doing all of the talking, if I am talking about myself and my own life too much & not asking about hers enough or if she was able to chime in enough that I didn’t have to worry about that . Was I nervous? Am I just more self-aware now? Did I go back to my old high school ways because I was talking to a high school friend and now I’m finally realizing that I need to shut the hell up?

Naturally, I ramble. My brain rambles when I’m alone with my thoughts & when I feel comfortable with someone, I just ramble out loud to them. I do genuinely listen to my friends and family and care about what they think & what they want to talk about, but I need to stop and remember to ask them questions too. Normally other people can relate to what I’m saying and the conversation progresses naturally, but when I get rambly to people, I need to take a step back and think before I speak! Not that I get offensive or anything, but I just feel like I end up talking about myself too much. I don’t like when other people do that, so I want to be more careful not to do it to them.

Anyway, this is why I made this blog. And so, my intention is to be more conscious of what I say in conversations and try and keep a mental track of if we are only talking about topics I brought up or if I am giving chances for someone else to bring something up, as well. Honestly, just writing about it seems to help.

A social anxiety

It kills me when people don’t understand me or think I don’t have good intentions even when I explain as clearly and honestly as possible my thoughts and feelings. I try to understand other people and how they think and the more I try and understand their perspective, the more they think that I am out to get them in some way. I fear I am too forward of a person for most and I have no idea how other people’s brains work. Do other people prefer to lie? Do they lie to themselves? Do they have jealousies? Do they keep their feelings within? Do they hide behind some mask and trick themselves into fitting some mold? And do they even know that they’re doing it?

It seems the more I try and figure people out the more that they push me away. I fear that people are nice to me in a superficial way and actually avoid me as a toxic person. Like I am that friend that causes more stress than I’m worth and it’s easier to deal with me in small doses than for anyone to just be honest with me about what is bothering them. I actually appreciate people that call me out SO much because it is so rare to find. I try and surround myself with people that don’t seem to portray that kind of hesitation as a friend. But then I am genuinely interested in people that I can’t seem to figure out. Should I be a therapist? No, haha, half the time I don’t even have myself figured out. But does anyone ?